coping

Indifference and Our Emotions

Indifference and Our Emotions

by: Kim Hammans, PLPC

Life can be so overwhelming at times. A new job, a shift in friendships, depression that feels out of nowhere, or sickness that is completely unexpected… any one of these can create big feelings in us that are hard to sort though, or even painful to acknowledge. Sometimes it takes a few days or even weeks to process through all that is going on inside us and find peace again with our situations.

But sometimes, a few weeks turn into months and the overwhelming feelings do not seem to be going away. The depression grows deeper, the fear escalates, or the sadness simply feels insurmountable or maybe even hopeless. In those situations, we have a choice: acknowledge the feelings inside of us, or deny them. This feels really risky, because in acknowledging them, there is often a question of: will this feeling consume me? And in denying them, there is a feeling that maybe the feelings will just go away on their own. I see this a lot both in my own life as well as others. We often want to run away from our big feelings, hoping that it will resolve if we can just find the right distraction.

There is so much that can easily distract us from these big feelings: food, sleeping, watching tv, staying busy… the list could go on and on. The distractions can work for a season to get our mind off of what is happening. Sometimes, distractions are good and healthy to remind us that life isn’t ALL bad or ALL depressing. The problem comes in when we begin to only seek out distractions and do not ever come back to acknowledging what is troubling us under the surface.

When all we do is distract ourselves, we become numb…. indifferent to our very lives as we seek to entertain ourselves, and distract ourselves from life.

The word indifferent has been ringing in my ears the past few months, due to this quote:

“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference.” —Elie Wiesel

Indifference is the opposite of love, faith and life? Really, Elie Wiesel?

What is indifference, exactly?

The actual definition is lack of interest, concern, and even lack of feeling. So, Wiesel seems to be saying the opposite of life is not death but lack of concern, lack of feeling, lack of interest in our very lives.

That makes sense. When we distract ourselves from our feelings, all too often we grow indifferent to our emotions, our bodies, and our mental state. I think this is partially how we cope with things we don’t know how to fix or change. It can feel easier to become indifferent than to truly embrace reality. But we miss out on so much when we make this exchange. Wiesel says we miss out on life itself.

What have you grown indifferent to in your life?

Maybe an easier question to answer is: What truly gives you life? What truly inspires you, awakens your soul to renewed energy and passion? And what is stopping you from pursuing this in your life? Indifference can be found in your answers to these questions. It is what creeps in when you no longer seek to change or better your life, even when you know it isn’t going the way you desire.

Your life really can be different. The issues that have led to indifference in your life can be sorted through and experienced differently. Acknowledging your indifference and finding a safe person to talk to is a great first step.

Take a risk to step out of your indifference and you may find that life is less overwhelming than you feared it would be.

A Sex Addicts Arousal Template

A Sex Addicts Arousal Template

by: Frank Theus, PLPC

According to Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., author of Facing the Shadow: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery, Second Edition,

“…an arousal template consists of “the total constellation of thoughts, images, behaviors, sounds, smells, sights, fantasies, and objects that arouse us sexually.”

 

These represent an array of stimuli that come from our early experiences (typically between the ages of five and eight years of age). We must keep in mind that while our conscious-self is easily aroused, much of it registers subconsciously. Such arousal templates were thought to be fixed. However, that’s simply not the case. Because the Internet provides easy access, anonymity, and opportunity to view a plethora of porn genres, trained therapists like myself see clients who have problematically expanded their arousal templates by increasingly choosing more graphic, violent, and in some cases, illegal sexual content.

This concept of escalation explains how heterosexual men might watch transsexual orgy porn, bestiality, or gay-themed porn. Similarly, women drawn to porn that is idealized love/romance, over time, pursue genres and acting-out like their male counterparts. Few of them ever imagined being attracted to extreme genres. But as their neuropathways become desensitized to standard adult male-on-female porn, they seek more and more intense stimuli. This morphs their template so as to achieve the addictive rush they crave.

Components of Your Arousal Patterns…

What makes up your template? Think about the following typical triggers:

  • Feelings that have become eroticized in some way
  • Locations
  • Sensations
  • Objects
  • Processes
  • Body types/body parts
  • Partner characteristics
  • Culture
  • Courtship stages and beliefs
  • Fantasies
  • Specific triggers (e.g. situations, scenarios, anger, traumatic experiences etc.) (Carnes)

Warning: don’t start this recovery exercise in depth apart from being in the care of an experienced therapist.

With adequate support, you will be ready to look at your particular experiences and move towards healing. What in your life needs to be jettisoned, what might be missing, and where do you wish to grow? It is important to consider the following:

  • Stay focused on the pain – As Carnes so wisely said, “Working on your arousal patterns may become stimulating in itself. Keeping in mind just how hard life as an addict has been will help you avoid being distracted by your old patterns.”
  • Do not do this work in isolation
  • Be thorough
  • Be honest with yourself (Carnes)

 

The mesmerizing effect of the Internet, along with the vast array of sexual material available, has become a powerful tool for getting too many of us involved in a world we never before knew existed. Many clients I see report feeling as though they are in a dream until somehow, by chance or misfortune, they are brusquely awakened to reality. Once they become aware of what they have done, they are dismayed by the fantasies, thoughts, or at-risk behaviors they engaged in: things they never imagined they would ever participate in.

Our sexuality is a precious gift. Affected by our environment and experiences, our sexuality can be negatively influenced, being hijacked by guilt and shame that keeps us stuck in an ever-expanding unhealthy arousal template. Recognizing your need for help and asking for it is the first step towards embracing the whole of yourself, your story and values, and your beliefs. Open up your reality of unashamedly enjoying your body, your sexual uniqueness, and fuller intimacy in all of your relationships.

Resources on this topic and healthy sexuality:

Facing the Shadow: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery, Second Edition by Patrick Carnes, PhD (Carefree: Gentle Path Press)

The Song of Songs, also known as the Song of Solomon or Canticles, is a book of the Bible accepted as holy scripture by Jews and Christians.

We Are Anxious People

We Are Anxious People

by: Lianne Johnson, LPC

Sometimes when I am spending time with friends (or even in a work meeting!) I want to stand on a chair and shout (sheepishly), “Hi guys… it’s me…Lianne, and I’m an anxious person.  In fact right now I’m an anxious mess on the inside while on the outside I look normal!”

If I actually did this, my friends would probably laugh.  Not because I struggle with anxiety (in fact if I did do this they would care greatly for me!), but I would imagine them laughing because it’s something they would expect me to do.  I don’t hide my anxiety-ridden self from others.  As a matter of fact, something I had to learn to do when I realized I struggled with anxiety was to begin accepting it as part of who I am.  I am an anxious person.  There, I said it.  And I’m okay with it.  The truth is if I did announce my anxiety to a group of people I know I would not be alone.  I know there would be others in that room that would be feeling the same way.  In fact, I know that no matter where I am or what I am doing, I am not alone in my anxiety.

I like to view anxiety as my body’s way of saying, “hey you, something isn’t right, here!”  I’ve learned over the years what my body’s signs are and how to continue to live and thrive within my anxiety, and I know you can too.

The Anxiety and Depression Association of America reports that anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S.  They say that it affects nearly 40 million adults in the U.S. age 18 and older – that’s roughly 18% of our population!  These findings are exactly why I know I am not alone in my anxiety no matter where I go and no matter what I am doing.

The good news for the nearly 40 million Americans’ is that anxiety is highly treatable.

Margaret Wehrenberg wrote a book called, The 10 Best-Ever Anxiety Management Techniques. Personally I tend to stay away from any book that claims to be “The Best-Ever ______.”  I guess it’s due to my own cynicism where anyone claims to provide the “best-ever” anything, but this book actually IS helpful.  If you *think* you struggle with anxiety or know that you do, I would highly recommend this book.  Her writing has shaped many of the thoughts I am sharing with you.

So what is anxiety?  Simply put, it is our body’s response to unresolved distress.

If we look at anxiety from the micro level it typically starts with something called Stress.  We all know what it means to be stressed, don’t we?  It is important to note that not all stress is bad.  Sometimes our stress is the very “thing” that propels us to solve big problems or create something new.  Stress can take what we have already started and expand our ability to make it better.  Stress becomes problematic for us when it leads to being distressed.  Wehrenberg defines distress as “when we are faced with something too challenging or even overwhelming, causing us physical tension and mental anguish.”  Over time this unresolved distress turns into anxiety.

Anxiety is what happens when ambiguity (uncertainty) exists.  Anxiety is what’s happening when we start asking ourselves a lot of “what if” and “if only” questions.  “What if I can’t pay my bills this month?”  “What if I get divorced?” “What if I am alone forever?”  Or the “if only” questions – “If only I had ___.”  “If only I were ___.”  Both of these anxiety responses, which serve as our human way of trying to resolve the unresolved distress we are experiencing, keep us from actually resolving anything, and further, keep us out of the present time and place we are in.

So now what?  Now what do you do with your anxiety?  I’d suggest, first and foremost, that you don’t pretend you’re not an anxious person, if you are one.  Trying to deny its existence to yourself or trying to hide it from others will only make it worse and perpetuate that idea that something is intrinsically wrong with you.  Also, don’t embark on this journey alone.  Surround yourself with people who can help you and support you as you begin leaning how to manage your anxiety.

Here are some suggestions for you to consider as you begin your journey…

  1. Learn about YOU.  It’s important to learn about the situations, people, places, and topics that tend to make you anxious.  Learning these things will also help you to learn what your bodies (your physiological) response cues are when you are becoming anxious.
  1. Learn to Deal with Ambiguity.  Sadly much of our culture does not allow for ambiguity to exist.  Here’s an example – our culture would say you are either brave or you are a coward – people would like us to believe that there is no fear in being brave.  Well this simply isn’t true.  An essential part of being brave is acknowledging your fear while you are acting bravely.   In my opinion, bravery without fear is stupidity. To be alive is to have ambiguity. The key to living with it is allowing the ambiguity to exist while trying to find the resolution you so desperately desire.
  1. Strategies and Exercises.  There are many strategies and exercises out there to help you.  Identifying the right ones for you and practicing them regularly are important. This can often take some time to figure out so don’t loose hope if some of them aren’t working right away! To accompany her book mentioned above, Margaret Wehrenberg also wrote The 10 Best-Ever Anxiety Management Techniques Workbook. This workbook contains many great strategies/exercises, which will help manage your anxiety. But remember, it’s important to not do this alone so let’s move to #4 of my suggestions!
  1. Find a Great Therapist.  Finding a great therapist is essential to not trying to do this journey alone.  A therapist who understands and knows anxiety will be able to help you assess your anxiety, identify your triggers, bring some resolution, and help you find strategies/exercises that will be helpful to you long-term.  Your therapist will be an objective person in your life as you learn about your anxiety, grow and become free from it, and offer you support along the journey.
  1. Learn to Not Fear your Anxiety.  Struggling with anxiety does not mean you have failed as a human or that something is wrong with you.  It simply means you are a human being and this is a struggle you have.  Remember, it is a treatable, and manageable struggle.  Learning to embrace it is essential to your growth.
  1. Explore Taking Medication.  Not everyone who struggles with anxiety has to take anti-anxiety medication, but to be honest with you, most do. Choosing to begin anti-anxiety medication while going to therapy will better enable you to implement the strategies/exercises you are learning.  Beginning to take medication does not mean you will be on it for the rest of your life!  It also doesn’t mean that taking it will alter your entire personality.  It will simply help you to be able to manage your anxiety while you learn the strategies/exercises that work best for you.  I take anxiety med’s and I am SO THANKFUL for them!
  1. Have Hope.  You are going to be okay and you are not alone!
  1. Begin Your Journey.  Choose NOW to make a change in your life.  Choose NOW as the moment you began to take control over your anxiety and no longer allow it to control you.

Blood Is Thicker Than Water

by Jonathan E. Hart, LPC

“Blood is thicker than water.”  

It’s an old saying. I don’t know where it came from. The meaning is that family relationships are more important than any other. You’re supposed to be loyal to your family first and foremost, because “They’re blood”. The genetic familial bond is deep and powerful.

Use your imagination for a moment.

Imagine you have an acquaintance who routinely cuts you down, employs guilt trips or unreasonable expectations to get you to do what they want, yells when you let them down, or tells you that you don’t measure up to their expectations. Perhaps they aren’t as directly difficult to handle, but many of the conversations you have with them feel “off”, like they’re doing something inappropriate, but you can’t quite put your finger on it.

Now imagine that when you mention or resist any of these ways of communicating, they shrug and say, “I’m doing the best I can. Don’t judge”, or “This is who I am, you need to figure out how to deal with it,” or, “You’re too sensitive,” or “You know, it’s for your own good.”

How much time would you want to spend with this person? How often would you want have them over, or pay them a visit, “just to catch up”? Would you want to take your kids over to their house and leave them in this person’s care for a few hours while you went on a date with your spouse?

I’m guessing that the answer is somewhere between “Not so much,” and “Are you kidding me!?”

And yet as a relationship therapist, I routinely see people who place themselves and their children in the path of people who relate in these hurtful ways. These are not reckless or foolish people. They are common, everyday folks who care about their families and friends, who are careful parents and thoughtful about their choices.

And yet, when I ask them why they would want to make themselves or their children vulnerable to someone who treats others so harshly, they reply, “It’s important to maintain a connection with this person! The kids need to have this relationship.” All the while they acknowledge that they feel the pain of being treated this way, and though they feel like withdrawing, they refuse to do so. Parents acknowledge that the way the people in question treat their children to is inappropriate as well. They feel a protective instinct, but routinely squash that instinct in favor of maintaining the connection.

The reasons these wounded people (whether they are parents or not) offer for why they persist in this pattern of maintaining connection with relationally reckless others are many, but generally have one theme. See if you can pick it out:

“But they’re Family!”

“The kids need their grandparents. They need to know where they came from.”

What am I supposed to do? He’s my father/ She’s my mother.”

“I have to stay connected. I can’t just NOT have relationship with them.”

“I have to put up with it and do damage control after.

“What am I supposed to tell them? They have to change who they’ve always been just to please me?“

One of the hardest questions I have to ask anyone is, “If it was anyone else, would you be so willing to put up with it?”

The answer is pretty universal. “No. But… they’re not just anyone else. They’re family.”

“Blood is thicker than water.”

Except it’s not. And it is. Let me explain.

Because a person is related to you by blood does not give them carte blanche to treat you as they will. It does not mean you have to take whatever they say or do no matter what. It does not mean you MUST maintain connection with them in spite of the history and/or ongoing damage they do in their recklessness. If you wouldn’t put up with it from a friend, acquaintance, or stranger, you don’t have to put up with it from family. Period.

“Blood is not thicker than water.”

Except it is.

The difference between “blood” and “not blood” is not what we have to put up with, it’s that we keep on reaching for healing. It’s not that we accept whatever they have to offer, but that we hold out for healthy relationship. We don’t give up on the relationship quickly, but we also don’t settle for less than what it is supposed to be: healthy, mutually affirming, encouraging, strengthening. We resist recklessness in family relationships more than in any other precisely because they are so important.

If our vehicles start making funny noises, or dripping fluids from strange places, we don’t generally say, “But it’s my car. I just have to put up with it.” If our physical bodies start making funny noises, or dripping fluids from strange places, we don’t usually say, “But it’s my body. I just have to learn how to deal with it.” In either case we take steps to seek the cause, seek a remedy, deal with the issue, and keep confronting the problem until it’s fixed. (OK, you might end up having to sell your car, I get it. I’ll deal with that in Part II.)

The difference between family relationships and other relationships is the persistence we use in seeking healing. “Any other a-hole can take a hike, but this a-hole is family.”

Maybe blood actually is thicker than water. And maybe we’ve gotten confused about what that idea actually looks like in real life.   –JEH

Click here to be taken to “Blood is Thicker Than Water, Part II: I Tried, But They Won’t Change! Now What?” And click here for Part III

The Healing Process: Not Just for Physical Injuries

The Healing Process: Not Just for Physical Injuries

Heart-and-stethoscopy

Have you ever broken a bone? Or sprained something? It hurts, doesn’t it?! And sometimes even worse is the inconvenience that comes during the healing process for many weeks following – learning to write with a different hand, covering the cast every time you shower, using those crutches that are brutal to your poor armpits(!!), etc. If it seemed optional, we might be tempted to skip past the healing part and just feel the intense pain of the break/fracture/sprain in the moment, but then choose to just ignore that it happened and move on with life. That would sure be a lot less inconvenient and annoying! But what would be the cost of doing so? Perhaps not being able to walk, continual pain, loss of functionality, or, at best, the occasional annoying reminder that things aren’t quite like they used to be.

Though some of us still might resist the process of taking time to heal from physical injuries, I would say that, as a whole, we are relatively inclined to see the value of doing so. The cost-benefit analysis favors that frustrating process of tending to the wound appropriately.

But what happens when we experience an emotional injury? A harsh word is said that hits at your core; you get rejected in a relationship or a job; you lose a loved one; you see or experience something tragic. What do we tend to do in the face of such an emotional injury? We ignore it. We try to “get over it”. We deny it. We shove it down deep to fool ourselves into thinking it’s not there. We feel shame for even being vulnerable to emotional wounds…as if we’re not human. We tell ourselves it wouldn’t be “productive” to do anything but just move on from it. But what are the costs of that approach? Sure, for quite some time we might be fooled into thinking it’s working quite well. But then that pesky anger gets ahold of us again. We develop an addiction. An eating disorder. Workaholism. We avoid anything that might make us susceptible to that horrible wound again, including relationships that we need. Or we put way too much pressure on other people to assure us that we’re okay. And we convince ourselves that this is the best way.

If you resonate with that, I wonder what it would look like for you to do it differently? To give yourself space to acknowledge that something has been hurt, to figure out how you have been wounded, to assess what is needed to heal, and to be inconvenienced by the process of tending to the injury. If this process is new to you or it’s difficult to see the value in it, here are more some thoughts on how to enter into it:

  • Give space to acknowledge that something has been hurt. Is it hard for you to admit that you have emotions? Or to feel comfortable allowing them to have any influence on you? Or to acknowledge that you can be hurt? Whether you like it or not, you are human and with that means you can be wounded emotionally by circumstances, others, or the consequences of your own actions. If there is shame around that vulnerability, explore it. Feeling the pain of living in this world is no assessment of your strength, character, ability, competence, or resolve. It is part of being a whole human. Give yourself room to accept that (or work on understanding why you can’t).
  • Figure out how you have been wounded. Some emotional injuries are easier to diagnose than others. Some require outside assistance to explore what has been hurt (I’m talking about a friend or therapist, not WebMD 😉 while others can be assessed with some intentional, mindful time alone. I would encourage you to pursue whichever is needed (or both).
  • Assess what is needed to heal. The prognosis is different for each diagnosis, but most all prognoses include honesty, introspection, reflection, grief, and time spent intentionally. Again, if you need help determining how to heal, seek help. And remember that healing doesn’t always mean that there won’t be a scar. Scars don’t come from our body ignoring wounds or passively leaving them as they are; scars come from our body’s incredible battle to heal what was broken.
  • Be inconvenienced by the process of tending to the injury. Just as you might have to cease participating in sports while your broken leg heals or you recover from the flu, you might have to step out of a few obligations for some time in order to give yourself space to heal. This is okay. And it might very well be the best investment you have ever made in others.

We do not tend to our own emotional injuries merely for the sake of finding someone to blame or to wallow in the hurt. We tend to our emotional injuries so that we can heal and move forward as a whole person, able to connect fully with ourselves and with others who are going through something similar.

I know – tending to emotional injuries takes time. It takes energy. And it’s rather inconvenient. But I would argue that it is essential to living as a whole human.

by: Melinda Seley, PLPC

We Hate to Feel

We hate to feel, don’t we?  There seems to be a generalized belief among the living that to feel any emotion for too long or too intensely means something is wrong with who we are.  Why is this?

 

We believe we have somehow malfunctioned if we cannot keep our emotions in-check, socially acceptable, and controlled.  And we believe that we must…and I mean must maintain homeostasis in how we feel.  By any chance does this sound like you?

Avenues Counseling

Why do we hate to feel?  Why do we fear our emotions?

Here are some thoughts on why we fear to feel:

We Fear we will loose our controlled composure – Any emotions we experience intensely can cause us to feel out of control.  It doesn’t mean we are out of control, but this is how we feel.   Mentally we want to stop crying or feeling sad, but no matter how hard we will ourselves to stop these unwelcomed emotions they do not go away.  They must run their course.  And simply put – this feels uncomfortable to us.

We Fear social isolation –  “What if I’m too much for my family and friends and they all walk away from me?” It is such a horrible thought to have of oneself as “being too much” for others, isn’t it?  This fear alone can grip us so tightly that we choose to stuff down our feelings in an effort to never burden someone again.  In all honesty, if someone who claims to love you walks away from your relationship with them because they claim you are too much, then I would question if they truly loved you in the first place.

“What if they think I’m crazy?” – Another aspect to our fear of social isolation is the fear that says something like, “If I let people see my ‘raw’ emotions, or if I am sad too long or cry too much, they are going to think I am crazy.”  Basically, we hate to feel because we fear what our feelings say about us to others.

We Fear being consumed –  Our fear informs us that if we allow ourselves to feel our feelings, they will consume us.  Once consumed, we will no longer be able to function.

Our fears can hold a very powerful role in our lives, but they don’t have to.  How can we start to think differently?  How can we respond differently to our fears?  Next week I will seek to answer these questions.  Until then, perhaps just take some time to think about which of the fears listed above ring true in your life.  Think about if you are willing to imagine a new way of living.  A way of living that doesn’t magically make your fears disappear, but a way of living that isn’t bound by them any longer.

-Lianne Johnson, LPC

 

Presents verses Presence

By:  Lianne Johnson

Thinking back on my own separation and ultimate divorce I realize I needed people to offer me both presents and presence.

As I look back to these hards years for me I remember that I was unable to “give” anything to others. If a friend was in crisis I had no energy left to offer a meal, take her kids and give her a break, run errands for her, or just sit with her, etc.  I had nothing to offer because I was trying to get through my own day – get the kids ready for school, remember to pack their lunches, remember what time school actually started so they were on time, get to work and make sure to shower since I hadn’t in days, oh and then I needed to feed them dinner at the end of the day. It took all of my energy to get done the mundane, everyday, habitual tasks that were before me as a newly single mother who was (and still am) in the midst of trying to make sense of my new life situation and heal.

Help
As I look back on this season of my life when I was in crisis – being separated for a year and a half and then divorcing, coming to grips with the reality of things that had taken place, I was broken.

I realize now that I needed two types of people during my own crisis – those who offered “presents” and those who offered their “presence.”

By “presents” I mean people who could offer me help with – food, errands, my kids, dishes, cleaning, laundry, etc.  Sadly, when I was in my crisis I was unable to function.  Perhaps you have experienced something like this yourself.  Life moved slower then it ever had before.  It was like my life had become a movie put on pause but then someone pushed play, but it was slow play.  You know, when the movie still plays but the frames move slower…and for about a year or so my engagement with life was s…l…o…w.

The other type of friends I absolutely needed were those that offered me their “presence.”  They sat with me.  Sometimes for hours they simply sat with me as I cried or stared blankly at a wall.  They watched movies with me, ate with me, they were present.  Nothing was required of them but to simply “be” with me.  Sometimes we talked but most of the time it was quiet.  I desperately needed these friends while in my crisis just as much as I needed those friends who fed me, and helped me get through the mundane necessary tasks in a day.

So perhaps you are in a hard season of life and you have no “presents” to offer, and that’s okay.  Offering your “presence” to your friend may be the very thing they need.

 Or maybe as you read this you are in a season in which you cannot offer either “presents” or “presence,” and that’s okay too.  Trust me as I speak from experience – this season will pass for you and slowly you will be able to give to others.

How Are You Coping As a Parent?

By: Katy Martin, LPC

“You know, pull ups and training potties should come with a Xanax prescription.”

This is what I texted a friend a few weeks ago while I was in the throws of potty training my almost 3 year old.

(Side note: that statement in no way is trying to make light of medication. It can be a powerful tool when prescribed and taken appropriately.)

Raising children is hard work whether you stay home full time, work part time, or work full time. No matter where you are, those kids are yours ALL THE TIME.  Sure, it sometimes sounds easy and fun (can I get an Amen for nap time!) but these small people are reliant on you all the time. And there are a lot of really wonderful moments and seasons, but it’s a 24/7 job that can also be overwhelming.

How do you react during those moments of incessant whining, crying, fighting, or boredom? Maybe it’s your sweet new baby with acid reflux. Those moments of feeling utterly useless to make your baby or child feel better. Or the seasons when it just seems impossible to get a moment to yourself. Or the questions, the millions of questions, from your toddler.

Self-care and coping are so important in these situations. You can only give what you have, right? If you’re spent, overwhelmed, at the end of your rope, you just don’t have anything else to give. Sometimes we can muster up something to get by, but why should we settle for just getting by?

Here is a self-care list I came up with to start you and I out. Maybe you could add to it. Maybe you could tailor it to your personality or to your phase of life.  Consider what this would look like in your life.

*Connect with other people your age. Regularly. Play groups, church, work, time out with friends, etc

*Reach out via text, email, phone when you need it. This is where social media is on our side. Vent to a friend instead of taking it out on your spouse or kid. Talk to you someone so you’re reminded you’re not alone.

*Take a break. Turn the TV on for your kids for a bit without feeling guilty. Put yourself in time out for a few minutes to breathe, calm down, have one complete thought. Take a shower. Go outside.

*Practice mindfulness: take deep breaths, count to 10, direct your thoughts to the present moment and not the craziness.

*Eat healthy, get your body moving, and get enough sleep.

*What do you enjoy? What energizes you? Find a way to do those things even if it looks different than before you had kids. You are still YOU.

*Don’t compare yourself to other parents. Just don’t do it. We are all different and unique. Learn from each other but own your own decision and beliefs.

*Date your spouse. Your kids need this from you.

*If you mess up, lose it, or have a bad day, just start again. Apologize to your kids if you need. Don’t beat yourself up.

*If you start to feel completely out of control or that you just can’t manage, seek out a mentor, a therapist, a friend, or pastor. Don’t be afraid to ask for help or investigate your feelings. Maybe more is going on.

You’re not alone, parents. In the moment I sent that text to a friend of mine, I felt better because I invited someone into my chaos which made me feel less alone, less crazy, and I was able to laugh at the tower of antibacterial wipes on my counter and the growing pile of laundry. I’m definitely not prefect at this but we all have to start somewhere.

What are you going to start today?

Relational Trauma

By: Andy Gear, PLPC

I recently read a book entitled Your Sexually Addicted Spouse that I found very illuminating, and I wanted to pass on what I learned to you. In it Barbara Steffens specifically seeks to help partners of sexual addicts “survive, recover, and thrive.” But her ideas can be helpful for anyone dealing with pain from damaging relationships.

One of the most helpful ideas she brings up is the concept of relational trauma. When many of us think of trauma, we think about physical wounds. But she points out that victims of betrayal have also experienced very real trauma. This relational trauma is often just as painful and life altering as physical trauma. Many people even experience symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress as a result of being betrayed or emotionally victimized. The pain is increased when done by someone we should have been able to trust.

I have found this concept extremely helpful, because I have noticed that many people who have experienced consistent relational trauma tend to minimize what they have been through. People often believe that because they cannot locate one definitive trauma in their life, then they have no reason to feel hurt or traumatized. But Steffens helps us realize the lasting impact of chronic relational trauma.

The rest of the book proceeds to explain what it looks like to begin the journey of healing. If your life has been impacted by a damaging or hurtful relationship then I would encourage you not to ignore its impact. Please take the time to begin the journey of healing, because relational trauma is significant and your pain is real.

 

 

 

Sweet Sorrow

by Jonathan Hart, LPC

Living in this world means living in the tension between good and evil, love and sorrow, joy and pain.  It is to experience the pleasant comfort of cuddling with your spouse on the couch and to ache with the beauty of the moment, while knowing that the moment must inevitably end.  It is to experience the trauma of loss and death and to know that growth and wisdom often come through pain.  Juliet loves the sweetness of Romeo’s affection as they say “good night” and yet must release him for a time to do without it.

To deny or diminish either of the parts is to live out of balance.  To pretend there is no pain is to smother and  invalidate your genuine and legitimate grief.  To live in the pessimism that says “good is always crushed” is to smother real and life-giving joy.  We can exist in either of these out-of-balance ways, but we cannot truly live.

To love is to risk loss, and the more we love, the more pain we experience in the loss.  Intimacy requires vulnerability, and the more open and emotionally naked we become with the other, the greater the closeness and experience of connection.  We live in a world of friction, and yet within the friction there is heat and light and life itself.

If you are protecting yourself from either of these elements, consider that a full, rich experience of life in this world is only possible when we acknowledge the truth of sorrow and loss while holding on to solid hope that there is good and light in the world at the same time.