identity

Do You Have Mommy Issues?

mum
by:  Courtney Hollingsworth, LPC

Do You Have Mommy Issues?

It is often said of grown women who exploit their bodies for attention from men must have “daddy issues.” A topic less discussed, probably because it is less obvious, is that of with “mommy issues.” From our first moments in the world, we are dependent on our mothers, or our mother-figure, for our well being, our needs, our safety….both physically and emotionally.

An important step in understanding yourself is asking the question “Do I have Mommy issues?”

Our culture, and many others, reveres motherhood with a sacredness that does not leave much room for criticism. And yet, as every human has different gifts and imperfections, so does every mother. The reality that this has an impact on the impressionable children who look to her to define and explain the world as they grow to understand it, cannot be refuted.

Now that I have ruffled our cultural feathers, and perhaps yours, let me clarify. I’m not talking about blame. As adults, we are responsible for our lives and actions. What I’m talking about is understanding. Understanding how you have become who you are, understanding where you may have learned ways of doing life that are hindering you, understanding the impact of this significant woman. All that she is and all that she is not.

If your mother struggles with her own security, sense of self, or emotional life, that will have had an impact on your own growth as a person. If she wrestled with empty places inside herself, then she had less to give you than you needed. If her dark places often resulted in ugliness spilling out onto you, then you carried more than you were able to as a child. If what she lacked inside herself created a vacuum that sucked more from you than you had to give, then you wore the burden of striving to meet unmeetable emotional needs.
Do you ever ask yourself these any of these questions:
  • Will I ever be good enough?
  • Why do I feel unlovable?
  • Why do I never feel good enough?
  • Why do I feel so empty?
  • Why do I always doubt myself?
If you do or have in the past, it might be worth looking back over your relationship with your mom. The ways it blessed you and the ways it pained you. The complicated nature of this vitally important relationship makes such a profound impact, it is one of the most important keys to understanding ourselves.

Our Identity and the Call of the Mall

Our Identity and the Call of the Mall

by: Jonathan Hart, LPC
It has been quite some time since I have had cause to wander around in a shopping mall for more than a few minutes.  I usually have a focused plan of attack: one or two things I want to grab, in and out and done.  Today, I have a couple of hours to kill.  As I stroll the balconies I find myself fascinated and somewhat saddened.
I am fascinated by the allure of “the Next Greatest Thing”: whether it is the image created by what we wear or the latest advancements in gear and technology.  I am saddened at the fact that, in order to get us to notice, desire, and above all else, *purchase* that Next Greatest Thing, the marketing machine must cause the adequate things we already have to seem inadequate.  To quote Billy Joel, “Can’t you see that you’re out of touch?”

This is true of our possessions, of our clothing, of our very identities.  We begin to believe the lie that we ourselves are inadequate, and we ask Stuff to make us better.  We shape and define our identities by what we wear and by what we look like rather than by what we actually *are* to the point that we forget our original identity, or at least to the point that we believe that our original selves can never be what anyone wants to see.  It’s exhausting to keep up an acceptable, presentable image.

mall 3
Here at the Mall, I see purveyors of identity, cultivators of First World privilege, technological bathhouses. Here you can acquire all that is necessary to become hip-hop or hipster, outdoorsman or urban chic. Here you can locate a dozen technological solutions to all of the problems you never realized you had. Here is the lair of the next good thing that makes the thing you have look shabby and old. Here luxury and convenience become necessity.
Store after store along these sunlit and stylish halls. They thrive on the cult of appearance. Each vending hall itself bears the image it purveys. As I walk by, the walls abruptly shift from the clean modern lines of the trendy clothier to the blank whiteness of the computer clean-room, to the ragged edges and coarse textures of “Manliness”, to the frills and exposure of sexy, elegant, or beautiful.  Glass, steel, wood, stone, plastic, each takes over from the previous, greedily and garishly staking their claim on my eye and attention.
Every ad, every image, every paneled line, from ceiling to floor, intended to convey a unique message of sameness and acceptability.
The open spaces and hard surfaces of the walkways and balconies reflect and muddle the noises of humanity into a background cacophony of recorded music, indistinct voices, shouts of children, and the splash of a waterfall. The liveness and persistence of the din conspire to drive me into a doorway, any doorway, passing through which the noise fades and my attention focuses.
The doorways magically defeat the polyphonic sea-sound “out there” and a different music takes over; a single, sculpted voice, indigenous to the visual style that meets my eye.  I think to myself, “Was I looking for something? Maybe it’s in here.”
I absently wonder about the poor kiosketeers, whose stores do not have this benefit of restricted air space. My shoulders relax and I realize that was tense. That’s passed now. It’s nice in here. What was it that I was looking for again?
“Can I help you find something?”
“No thanks, I’m just looking.”
But in this place there is no such thing as “just” looking.  This place evokes a potent hunger. There are a thousand and one “Things I Need” here.
Because this place, outside and in, is a temple of Want, the holy place of Dissatisfaction and Dearth, filled with the promise of plenty and blessing when you pass your plastic offering through the altar slot.
Here there are no average sizes. You are skinny or plus-sized. Short or tall. When did they expunge “medium” from the tag-writer’s lexicon? I am suddenly looking for the thing that fits me, but not only in size. I’m looking for my style, too. I realize that I didn’t know I had a style to be looking for, but I suddenly know that what I’m wearing is not quite up to snuff. I don’t have anything that looks like *that*, and that mannequin looks pretty sharp.
The stubbled stud in the photo ad behind looks even better.
It occurs to me that I am supposed to use the mannequin as a mirror. I’m to imagine my head where it has none and envision my body as the same in appearance as the plastic and canvas simulacrum before me. There is the unspoken promise that my face will look like the stud’s face when I wear this shirt, because damn he looks good.
I suddenly sense the inherent lie of the promise, that it is impossible to keep, and now I want to flee. Deep down I know that my face will never look like that. I know that the quest for that face would lead me to too many plastic surgeries, to the pity of the other mall-walkers when they see my overstretched, too-modified, ultimately mannequin features.
No, my altar is the altar of things. The awesome tech, the powerful devices, the clever items that no one else has (yet). The stuff that, if I pause for a moment, I know I will use three times before it loses the packaged charm that it now possesses.
But I am not in a mood to pause. The Stuff-Call is upon me.
My only choice is back out into the noise. I pass the magic barrier and the atmosphere of need is all around me again, pressing at my ears.
Now I AM looking for something. Something shiny and smart. That manly razor shop, for instance. I like the look and feel of the place, the “old school” razors and shaving gear. The smell of leather and soap.  Maybe there. Yes.
Then I remember that for the last 10 years, I’ve worn a beard.  Did I actually forget that?  The Stuff-Call is strong here.
I do the counter-intuitive thing. I stop and sit. The benches were not made for comfort. THEY don’t want me to stay out here, looking into the windows of a single store, not for long, any way. (There are no seats facing a blank wall, after all. I looked.)
The pleasant looking but inadequately padded bench (I wonder if I could find one like this for my living room?) says, “Rest your feet for a bit, traveler, but this is not a destination. It is a way-station to help you on your journey to the temple of your choice-god.”
I defy the subliminal pressure of the Call.  Instead, I record my thoughts on a very useful, very smart, very out-of-date device which I already have (but which is not yet paid for) and which will likely last me quite some time yet.
Perhaps I will share these thoughts with you someday. I will have to refine them and make them presentable first, though, because… Well, appearances matter, and they have to be presentable, after all.

Caring for Yourself in the Everyday

Caring for yourself in the everyday can sometimes prove difficult.

 

So many people and tasks demand our attention that we can often forget about caring for ourselves. Below are some things I try to do everyday to care for myself.  The key word in the last sentence was try, did you catch it?  Remember, we are all in the same boat when it comes to taking care of ourselves.  Some days will prove easier than others.  Be gracious to yourself.  After all, you’re only human.

Oh, and just in case any of you out there desire to reject the notion of caring for yourself because you find it to be selfish, don’t do it.  Caring for yourself has absolutely nothing to do with being selfish. Caring for yourself isn’t selfish, it just makes good sense.

Avenues Counseling

Accept who you are:  Stop fighting against how you were created and disliking yourself.  Learn to love who you are and embrace how you were created.

Be honest with yourself about yourself:  The moment you begin to ignore what you need and who you are is the moment you begin being at odds with yourself.  When we ignore ourselves long enough we begin to create a “fake” self.  The result?  Over time our “fake” self becomes all we know and we loose our identity.

Have fun:  Having fun and laughing reminds us that we are ALIVE!  Research (proof!) has shown that laughing and having a sense of humor can reduce stress, anxiety, and depression.  So laugh, play a practical joke on a friend, watch a comedy, read a silly book, or start telling knock knock jokes until your friends make you stop.

Eat healthy:  Easier said than done for most, yet still very important to your everyday mood and body functioning.

Get enough sleep:  Don’t just sleep…get enough of it!  Our bodies function off of the food we eat and the sleep we get.  If we don’t fuel up properly then our everyday days will be more difficult than necessary.

Exercise:  I know,I know, trying to eat healthy and get enough sleep was already pushing it and now I bring up exercise.  However, its true that exercise is so important for our bodies so I can’t ignore this topic.  Even if you go walking for 30 minutes a day (or every other day) its better than nothing.  Try going on a walk in the morning.  Like around 7ish.  I think its more fun to walk in the morning while all of the squirrels, chipmunks, and birds are more active.

Remember the core of who you are:  For me, the core of who I am rests in knowing that God loves me.  You may not believe in God.  I respect your decision.  But for me, reminding myself that I am a child of God, a daughter of the King, and loved by Him, always helps my everyday days.

-Lianne Johnson, LPC

 

Stop Verbally Abusing Yourself

Stop Verbally Abusing Yourself

Avenues Counseling

“You’re so stupid!”

“Of course you failed at that. It’s what you do.”

“No one could ever love you.”

These are extremely painful statements to hear; ones I cringe to even write out. And if these things were said out loud to you, they could easily be called verbal abuse. No one should be told those things. No one.

And yet, how many of us have a tape that plays in our heads that sounds remarkably similar? Or maybe not quite as extreme as the statements above, but still carries with it the same underlying critical, harsh message and/or lack of compassion?

Why do we think it’s okay to talk to ourselves the way it is not okay for anyone else talk to us? Or maybe we don’t even consciously realize how severe our self-talk is. Day in and day out. An endless reel of criticism and condemnation in the face of life, that by its very nature is just hard.

These voices can come from many places – maybe they were given to you by the ones who are supposed to love and encourage you most; maybe they are what you think is needed to keep your drive alive to excel at life; maybe it’s in your DNA to be self-critical and perfectionistic; maybe it’s how you try to remain “humble”. Wherever they come from and however they’ve been formed, I wonder what it would look like to say, “It’s not okay to talk to me like that,” and to start replacing them with the voice of compassion for yourself.

Drawing upon the research of Dr. Kristin Neff, below are some practical ways to begin to better relate to yourself with compassion and to respond to the critical, harsh reel in your head:

1)   Be kind to yourself. Pain, failure, disappointment are part of this life. We are not perfect beings and never will be. Extend to yourself the same grace, forgiveness or understanding you would extend to others when you mess up or things don’t go the way you hoped they would.

2)   Remember the bigger picture. You are not alone in whatever you are experiencing. Sometimes this is hard to believe because we are all working really hard to cover up our own places of shame (and unfortunately, we’re really good at it), but I guarantee you are not alone. It is often our weakness that connects us the most to each other. Stop using this against yourself or allowing it to isolate you and start looking for ways to connect to others in our shared human experience of weaknesses.

3)   Be mindful. To begin changing the way we speak to ourselves, we must start by being aware of how we do it. Being self-compassionate does not mean avoiding your negative thoughts or difficult emotions. It means experiencing these thoughts and feelings with the posture of kindness and in the context of being human. This keeps us from over-identifying with our negative thoughts and emotions and allows for thoughtful consideration of how there might ways we could do things differently next time around.

So…as some version of the tape is currently playing in your head now, please remember: your words have impact. Instead of continuing to verbally abuse yourself, please be kind, remember the bigger picture, and be mindful as you talk to yourself today.

by:  Melinda Seley, PLPC

When People Love Us, We Are Transformed

There is something quite amazing and magical about watching a persons life being transformed by the power of being loved and accepted by others – When People Love Us, We Are Transformed.

 

After watching Despicable Me 2 for the 6th time with my sons I started to wonder why exactly we all seem to love it so much.  I mean think about it, we have watched it 6 times and the movie is 98 minutes long which puts us as having spent 588 minutes of our lives on this movie.  So I started thinking – is Despicable Me 2 really worth the 588 minutes of my life I have given it?  Why yes it is!

For starters, who doesn’t love those Minions?  Seriously, they are so cute and hilarious with all of their funny noises and behaviors.  This movie has me and my sons laughing over and over again.  But then I thought, “There has to be more to why we love this movie….what is it exactly?”  Then it hit me.

A huge part of the story in both of the Despicable Me movies is watching Gru, the main character, learn his true identity and self-worth through being loved by others who see him for who he truly is.

We see his character go from a cold-hearted villain who is mean and is literally stealing the moon from the sky, to a man transformed by the love of three little girls he adopts in the first movie.

Despicable Me
The second movie opens with Gru dressing up as some sort of princess for one of his daughters birthday parties – and immediately you think – this man has been transformed!  The second movie does a great job of portraying the realities we all face when we are in the midst of transforming love –

When we are experiencing the love of another, and I am talking about deep love that moves us – a natural response to this kind of love when never experienced before is to go on defense.

And defense, at times, looks exactly like what we see happen to Gru – the more the love of others (specifically his three daughters and the character Lucy in the second movie) challenges his current view of himself (his identity, self-worth, etc.) the more his relational fears surface.  The closer Lucy gets to Gru, the more we see flashbacks to Gru’s childhood.  We see Gru coming up against the “demons” in his past – being made fun of, seeming unloveable to all humans, unaccepted, and fearing rejection.  It appears that the more he is loved and delighted in by his daughters and Lucy, who ultimately becomes Gru’s wife by the end of this movie, the more his “demons” seem to rear their heads.  Ultimately Gru has to choose to trust their love of him, embrace the changed man he has become, and no longer allow the “demons” of his past to rule his current life.

These movies do an excellent job of showing us how love can profoundly transform us if we risk letting it in.

-Lianne Johnson, LPC