sex addiction

Why Group Therapy Works, Part 4

by Sam Bearer, PLPC

We’ve already looked at how group therapy is a great way to help individuals make changes in their lives by choose to be radically vulnerable with the other group member, fostering in himself or herself an outlook of unconditional positive regard, and allowing the very personal, negative feelings about himself/herself or others to be shared and eventually challenged by the other group members.

This final piece focuses more on how the group can invest and intervene in the individual member’s life. Following the individual work of being open, the group now has the opportunity to disrupt radically the emotional foundations underlying each member’s coping behaviors that got him or her into therapy.

As the group gently and slowly does this work of disrupting the members’ coping behaviors, the internal dynamics of personal guilt and shame frequently rise to a conscious level.  At this point, every man I have seen who comes through our groups retreats back into his comfortable style of relating. It is nearly impossible in the early stages of work for the man himself to see this happening and do anything to stop it.  Often, he can no longer differentiate his personality, style of relating, and identity without an outside perspective or help.  It is no longer a conscious choice.  He may not have even noticed it happening.  But, I am willing to bet 99 times out of 100 that some other member in the group noticed.

The group is meant to be that outside reference point.

Once again, vulnerability comes into play here, because the group member who noticed should be willing to appropriately, with unconditional positive regard, call out his group mate.  This reintroduces all the dynamics of the personal work from part one: vulnerability, maintaining unconditional positive regard, and personal investment.  It also adds to it the gut check of interpersonal conflict. The group members are doing exactly as they should when they can reflect back both the positive and negative they experience in relating to each member.  This work engages members both internally and externally at once.  This may seem obvious, but it is so important, not to mention difficult.  We do this kind of thing in our lives all the time.  However, we are rarely fully engaging our awareness of both pieces simultaneously.  It takes hard work to build up this new skill.  Like learning a new language, we have to take many fumbling attempts to communicate this new way, and we usually struggle at it for a while.  The safety created in the group should promote and celebrate these attempts as well as normalize the experience as something everyone in the group is fighting to do better.  It takes time as well as higher levels of concentration, self-awareness, and intentionality than we generally are used to.

It needs to be said here that this process, in therapy as well as practicing these skills in life, will take some time to sink in.

This is especially true when you consider there are years if not decades of reinforced acting out behaviors that a client wants to change.  It is likely to require a proportionate amount of time and effort for this new way of relating or sense of self to take shape.  Other factors that might increase the length of time and work to be done might be connected to and complicated by experiences of abuse or trauma.  Though the progress may be slower than an individual may like and expect, small changes over time add up to big changes.  These small steps along the way should be highlighted and celebrated as part of the greater changes each client wants to see in his or her life.

 

Men, Sexual Trauma, and Healing…

Men, Sexual Trauma, and Healing…

by Frank Theus, LPC

Back in October 2014, I wrote a blog article entitled Abused Boys http://avenuescounselingcenter.org/abused-boys. My commentary invited readers to enter into an ongoing blogversation shattering the silence specifically for men who were discovering that they were survivors of sexual trauma, in particular, and other forms of abuse. Now two years later, in light of the work I do as a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT®), I felt the need to re-visit this e-discussion.

Did you know that according the U.S. Veterans Administration (VA) 1 in 10 men* – that’s 10% of the male population – have suffered trauma resultant from sexual assault.

Per U.S. Census data that would translate into the following:

  • Approximate # of Males in the U.S. 138,053,563 (49.1% of gen’l population) = 13.9 million Male sexual assault victims*
  • Approximate # of Males in St. Louis County 493,000 = 49,300 Male sexual assault victims*

Imagine with me what these numbers might mean to you. If you attend a church service on Sunday morning, which has on average 185 persons in attendance; and, if it reflected the U.S. general population, there would be approximately 91 male attendees. Of that number there would likely be nine fellow image bearers of God who are sitting next to you, serving alongside of you, suffering in silence regarding their past abuse or assault. These men aren’t numbers, they are our fathers, brothers, nephews, grandsons, veterans, coworkers, clergy, coaches, elders, deacons, husbands, neighbors, bosses, friends…

But Who Would Do This?

  • “Those who sexually assault men or boys differ in a number of ways from those who assault only females.
  • Boys are more likely than girls to be sexually abused by strangers or by authority figures in organizations such as schools, the church, or athletics programs.
  • Those who sexually assault males usually choose young men and male adolescents (the average age is 17 years old) as their victims and are more likely to assault many victims, compared to those who sexually assault females.
  • Perpetrators often assault young males in isolated areas where help is not readily available. For instance, a perpetrator who assaults males may pick up a teenage hitchhiker on a remote road or find some other way to isolate his intended victim.
  • As is true about those who assault and sexually abuse women and girls, most perpetrators of males are men. Specifically, men are perpetrators in about 86 out of every 100 (or 86%) of male victimization cases.
  • Despite popular belief that only gay men would sexually assault men or boys, most male perpetrators identify themselves as heterosexuals and often have consensual sexual relationships with women.
  • These same male victims may have an additional burden of confusion, shame and humiliation if their abuser was a female.” (VA)
  • Early onset exposure to pornography due to adult permissiveness (neglect) or intentionality (abuse). (Theus)
  • Covert incest wherein the male child feels more like the emotional-romantic-surrogate partner to mom. (Adams)

As these men make their way into counseling and, in particular, the ones who come to see me for my help as a CSAT®, it’s usually due to problematic/at-risk behaviors around sex and sexuality that they have sought to hide for so many years but now has exploded into the light of day. These hurting men are at a tipping point or have “hit bottom” and, much like someone drowning, desperately need rescue.

As the rescue operation unfolds it oftentimes reveals a life story of various forms of at-risk behaviors from adolescence into adulthood, porn-induced erectile dysfunction (PIED), STDs, immersed in shame-guilt, feeling stigmatized, dissociating, confusion, distorted-negative core beliefs, lack of boundaries, anxiety-depression-PTSD, anger, and addictive-compulsive behaviors around the use of substances and other process addictions (e.g. money, work, gambling, food, video gaming, and tanning) as an attempt to have “control”, to “survive”, to “escape” and/or to “numb out”.

As important as it is to know that rescue has been extended, my clients begin to realize that what they are undertaking is a journey into sustainable sobriety-recovery and wholeness of their mind, body, spirit, and vital core relationships.

This process is akin to a crucible, yet one wherein the client is extended invitations to explore the deepest issues of their heart in order to grow deeper insights and tools to engage their stories, past, present, and future with real courage and hope. (Allender)

Are you ready to journey? I pray you are.

 

*NOTE: Many believe – as do I — that the actual conservative number is 1:6 men or 17% of the male population has been sexually abused. If so, the above numbers would be adjusted to:

24 million men nationally
84,00 men within the county
15 men inside our sanctuaries.

 


Resources:
www.1in6.org
http://www.malesurvivor.org/index.php
Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter, PsyD
Allies in Healing: When the person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child by Laura Davis
Always Turned On: Sex Addiction in the Digital Age by Robt Weiss, LCSW, CSAT-S & Jennifer Schneider, M.D.
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robt Weiss, LCSW, CSAT-S
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.
The Healing Path: How the Hurts in Your Past Can Lead You to a More Abundant Life by Dan Allender, PhD
The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse by Dan Allender, PhD
Victims No Longer: Men Recovering from Incest and Other Sexual Child Abuse by Mike Lew, MSW
Wounded Boys, Heroic Men: A Man’s Guide to Recovering from Child Abuse by Daniel Jay Sonkin, PhD and Lenore E. A. Walker, EdD

A Sex Addicts Arousal Template

A Sex Addicts Arousal Template

by: Frank Theus, PLPC

According to Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., author of Facing the Shadow: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery, Second Edition,

“…an arousal template consists of “the total constellation of thoughts, images, behaviors, sounds, smells, sights, fantasies, and objects that arouse us sexually.”

 

These represent an array of stimuli that come from our early experiences (typically between the ages of five and eight years of age). We must keep in mind that while our conscious-self is easily aroused, much of it registers subconsciously. Such arousal templates were thought to be fixed. However, that’s simply not the case. Because the Internet provides easy access, anonymity, and opportunity to view a plethora of porn genres, trained therapists like myself see clients who have problematically expanded their arousal templates by increasingly choosing more graphic, violent, and in some cases, illegal sexual content.

This concept of escalation explains how heterosexual men might watch transsexual orgy porn, bestiality, or gay-themed porn. Similarly, women drawn to porn that is idealized love/romance, over time, pursue genres and acting-out like their male counterparts. Few of them ever imagined being attracted to extreme genres. But as their neuropathways become desensitized to standard adult male-on-female porn, they seek more and more intense stimuli. This morphs their template so as to achieve the addictive rush they crave.

Components of Your Arousal Patterns…

What makes up your template? Think about the following typical triggers:

  • Feelings that have become eroticized in some way
  • Locations
  • Sensations
  • Objects
  • Processes
  • Body types/body parts
  • Partner characteristics
  • Culture
  • Courtship stages and beliefs
  • Fantasies
  • Specific triggers (e.g. situations, scenarios, anger, traumatic experiences etc.) (Carnes)

Warning: don’t start this recovery exercise in depth apart from being in the care of an experienced therapist.

With adequate support, you will be ready to look at your particular experiences and move towards healing. What in your life needs to be jettisoned, what might be missing, and where do you wish to grow? It is important to consider the following:

  • Stay focused on the pain – As Carnes so wisely said, “Working on your arousal patterns may become stimulating in itself. Keeping in mind just how hard life as an addict has been will help you avoid being distracted by your old patterns.”
  • Do not do this work in isolation
  • Be thorough
  • Be honest with yourself (Carnes)

 

The mesmerizing effect of the Internet, along with the vast array of sexual material available, has become a powerful tool for getting too many of us involved in a world we never before knew existed. Many clients I see report feeling as though they are in a dream until somehow, by chance or misfortune, they are brusquely awakened to reality. Once they become aware of what they have done, they are dismayed by the fantasies, thoughts, or at-risk behaviors they engaged in: things they never imagined they would ever participate in.

Our sexuality is a precious gift. Affected by our environment and experiences, our sexuality can be negatively influenced, being hijacked by guilt and shame that keeps us stuck in an ever-expanding unhealthy arousal template. Recognizing your need for help and asking for it is the first step towards embracing the whole of yourself, your story and values, and your beliefs. Open up your reality of unashamedly enjoying your body, your sexual uniqueness, and fuller intimacy in all of your relationships.

Resources on this topic and healthy sexuality:

Facing the Shadow: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery, Second Edition by Patrick Carnes, PhD (Carefree: Gentle Path Press)

The Song of Songs, also known as the Song of Solomon or Canticles, is a book of the Bible accepted as holy scripture by Jews and Christians.