relationships

Technology: The illusion of companionship without the demands of friendship

Technology: The illusion of companionship without the demands of friendship

After writing my last blog, about how social media can actually hinder our relationships by offering information more than connection, I came across this wonderful TED Talk by Sherry Turkle called “Connected, but alone?” She has studied communication for many years and has seen the impact of technology on connection.
Sherry Turkle talking at Ted

Sherry Turkle talking at Ted

She explains that our electronic devices “not only change what we do, but change who we are.” That is a big statement! It sounds a bit scary to me. She goes on to talk about how we are getting used to a new way of being alone, together. “People want to customize their lives.” She explains that we use our devices to direct our attention to whatever we most want to give it to. In doing this, we neglect our capacity for relationship with others in real time, as well as our relationship with ourselves as we diminish our self-reflection. “We use conversations with each other, to learn how to have conversations with ourselves….”

We edit. We hide. We use technology to cure our loneliness, yet avoid our vulnerability.

Technology offers 3 Gratifying Fantasies:
1. We can put our attention wherever we want it to be.
2. We will always be heard.
3. We will never have to be alone.
The last one is the most troubling with regards to how our new way of living is changing our psyches! My smart phone is changing me! Our inability to tolerate being alone, always grabbing for a device even in small moments of isolation, is decreasing our capacity to find ourselves. It is creating a new way of “being.” In solitude, we find ourselves. Inability to tolerate solitude, leads us instead to look to others to find ourselves.
Sherry Turkle leaves us with this sobering thought, while encouraging toward more self-awareness in our use of technology:
“If we’re not able to be alone, we are going to be more lonely. And if we don’t teach our children to be alone, they’re only going to know how to be lonely.”
by:  Courtney Hollingsworth, LPC

Does Your Social Media Usage Lead to Communication or Connection?

Does Your Social Media Usage Lead to Communication or Connection?
I don’t have to tell you that we live in an era of constant communication and instant information. As soon as I hit “publish” on this blog, anyone with internet access can instantly read my post. In a very real sense, I can tell the whole world anything….from this chair in my office alone. I’m talking to everyone and no one at the same time. I’m sharing and hiding at the same time. I’m communicating, but I’m not connecting.
I don’t see your face as you interact with my words. I can’t read your body language. You can’t hear my inflection or intonations. I’m pausing between sentences, as I consider how best to communicate my next thought. I’m deleting and editing as I go. I’m carefully choosing what to type, what to show, what to share. I have this underlying sense of vulnerability as I type my thoughts for others to interpret and judge, and yet there is something in it that feels false. There are times I read very personal information on rather public forums and wonder if it bravery to share so broadly, or cowardice to expose so impersonally. We spare ourselves the risk of vulnerability when we share with everyone through typed words on a screen, by avoiding the risk of not getting the response we hope for when sharing with one or more people. It is much safer to hope that someone, anyone, will respond to a post or tweet about a horrible day or compliment a beautiful photo or meal, than to hope that the one person I choose to be vulnerable with will respond in a way that values my vulnerability.

I do not think technology is bad. I love all that it enables me to do, all the access and ease it brings. I see, however, that along with the benefits it brings to communication in my relationships, it also brings convenience that can cheapen the connection. Often after reading friends’ blogs, viewing their Facebook or Instagram accounts, I feel I have gotten caught up on their lives and my urge to connect with them is appeased to a degree. I have noticed my connection in these relationships has suffered over time. I have been grabbing fast food through the drive thru of information, and some of my relationships are suffering from lack of connection nutrition. I am gaining information from edited and limited glimpses into the lives of those around me; I’m missing out on intimacy, emotions, and real responses.

When we share ourselves in bits and snippets through typed words or snapshots that someone else will see on a screen, we are missing out on the connection that comes with risking vulnerability in the presence of someone who is going to react. Even emailing or texting one person takes much greater vulnerability and courage than emailing a group of people or writing a blog post. Don’t confuse exposure with vulnerability. And don’t confuse communication with connection. So, who do you need to connect with?

by:  Courtney Hollingsworth, LPC

Your Kids Don’t Need A Perfect Parent

Your Kids Don’t Need A Perfect Parent

I have good news: your kids don’t need a perfect parent.

You are not alone if you think parenting is hard.  It is.  It is a job that requires all of who I am, around the clock.  I can love my kids well and serve them well for a few hours or even a few days in a row.  I can be attentive to their needs, present, and engaged.  I think there are even times I am good at it.  But then there are days when caring for them feels like a cheese grater on my skin. It doesn’t come naturally and I have little desire to sacrifice on their behalf.

When you live with people, especially people dependent upon you for their every need, it is hard to hide the darker facets of your heart.  This part of parenting creates a lot of fear and anxiety for many parents (myself included).  When my kids get an angered response from me, or I thoughtlessly dismiss them, I can see the sadness on their face and sense confusion about why mommy is suddenly being unkind or impatient.  In this moment— this moment we all face— we have a choice.

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We can sail past it, pretending it didn’t happen.

We can grow defensive and justify our selfishness.

Or we can turn toward our child and ask forgiveness.

When we fail (which we all do!) the temptation to hide our imperfections, deny them, or simply disengage from our children grows stronger in our hearts.  When facing the upsetting truth of our imperfection, we feel vulnerable.  And that is scary.

I have found that owning my imperfections and asking for forgiveness–like the third option above–restores and enhances the relationship with my children.  The pressure to be perfect dissipates for both of us and the freedom to be authentic is more defining of our relationship.

In a world filled with pressure to look good, where appearances are everything and self-sufficiency is glorified, we have the power to give our kids the tools to engage honestly and find their identity in something beyond appearing perfect.  We can model and promote love and acceptance through being authentic amidst vulnerability, rather than doing everything “perfectly.”

So good news!  Your kids don’t need a perfect parent. They need a courageous parent, humble enough to to risk vulnerability after messing up. How you honestly handle your imperfection matters more than your imperfections themselves.

By: Kim Hammans, PLPC

Different Isn’t Bad, It’s Just Not the Same

By: Andy Gear

A trip my wife and I took to Massachusetts reminded me of something I had learned as a kid from a man who had lived in Sierra Leone: “Different isn’t bad, it’s just not the same.”

 

Recently, my wife and I visited the town in Massachusetts where we spent our honeymoon. It’s just a little fisherman’s village, but it brought back so many memories of our first year together. One might assume that it made me nostalgic for that “honeymoon period” when we had no kids, no problems, and our whole life ahead of us. And it did.  But I also remembered how difficult that first year was.

No one ever told me that learning to live with another person would be so difficult. And if they did I ignored them, because we were young and in love. Why would we ever argue? We’re soul mates.

Different Isn't Bad

So I was surprised to learn during that first year that my wife is very different than me. We have different interests, different values, different ways of thinking, feeling, communicating, different views of money and conflict, and different ways of eating cereal.  Because she was different than what I grew up with, I assumed that her differences were wrong, bad, or illogical.  I remember going for walks with her in some of the old neighborhoods in U. City, talking about the things a young seminarian thinks important. I’d be in the middle of what I thought a life-changing idea, when she would stop me and make me observe a bed of flowers, an idyllic home, or the sun descending with the most beautiful shade of orange. I was so frustrated. Why didn’t she think like me? What was wrong with her? I tried to convince her to be more like me. That did not go over well at all. Then I remembered the saying I shared with you earlier, “Different isn’t bad, it’s just not the same.” I dwelt on this thought.

What if the things that are different about my wife are not only acceptable but are very good? What if my wife and I are custom made for each other and our individual qualities are meant to shape us into more whole, balanced, and fully functioning human beings?

I developed a new assumption: who my wife is now is very good.

With this new assumption in mind, I began to act upon it. I slowly began to receive my wife’s differences not as trials to bear but as gifts to be enjoyed. I tried to allow that person to shine through, to learn from her.

The result has been life changing.

I’m not convinced that I’m any better at marriage, but I appreciate who my wife is.  And in a small way I am becoming a more balanced, whole, and fully functioning human being. I believe that learning to embrace the beauty of who she is right now helped make my second trip to Massachusetts even better than the first.