Life Lessons My Newborn Has Been Teaching Me
by: Melinda Seley, PLPC
Sometimes life’s greatest teachers come in the smallest of packages. After recently returning from maternity leave, I have been reflecting on some life lessons my newborn has been teaching (or re-teaching) me over the past several months. Below are the top five:
Silence the “always” and “nevers” and work to be present here and now.
Caring for our newborn is one of the most demanding “jobs” I have ever had – it’s physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausting. In those first weeks with our boy, I found myself so afraid that this would be my new normal – being trapped in the house with a tiny little person who could only communicate via hangry crying and who needed something from me for what seemed like every minute. I would never get to have friends again, enjoy a cup of hot coffee, attend church, or do anything beyond being at my boy’s beckon call. This is always how it was going to be. I found myself saying a lot of “always” and “never’s”. And the only place they led me was to despair and fear. They made me miss the joy and uniqueness of that finite season and a season I had so longed to experience.
Do you find yourself saying a lot of always and nevers about where you are in life? If so, what would it look like to, instead, be present in this moment, right now? To be honest about and grieve the unique challenges, losses, and hardships you are experiencing, but to not forget to look for and savor the good. Right here and now.
Some of the most significant growth in life comes through hardship or struggle. Don’t avoid it.
Pediatricians recommend that by 2 months of age, infants spend 30-60 minutes on their tummy. Until he could successfully lift his head, my boy hated “tummy time” and was quite vocal about his dislike of it. It would turn our happy, easy-going baby into a crying mess. I wanted to avoid it; I didn’t want to subject my own son to struggle; and honestly, I didn’t want to subject myself to additional emotional exhaustion from needing to soothe him afterwards. But the only way for him to grow and be able to hold his head steady was for me to allow him to struggle. To give him opportunity each day to face what he didn’t like with support so that he could grow. Is there anything in your life that seems like it would be easier to avoid but really what you need most is to get down on the mat and spend time learning to lift your head – through the tears and grumbles? What are you missing out on because it’s easier or more appealing to avoid the struggle?
Value “being” rather than “doing”.
I am a “doer”. I like lists and I especially like to check them off. Life with a newborn doesn’t allow for many lists other than feed, change diaper, soothe, repeat (with the occasional change clothes and spray with stain remover mixed in!). In the first days of being home all day alone with my son, I texted my husband, “I’ve showered and done a load of laundry…today is already a success!” And in doing so, I realized that my definition of success was based merely on how much of my “to do” list I could accomplish…instead of savoring just being with my new, precious child who relied on me for everything and who I had longed to have. Do you struggle as I do to find your identity in what you do rather than just being? What would it look like to keep the to do list, but give it a whole lot less weight in determining your worth? You are not what you do. You are not the boxes you check off. You are you and that is enough.
The first time will be the hardest…the important thing is to lean into the fear and do it.
After 3 weeks with our little guy, I felt like maybe I finally had the hang of this whole parenting a newborn thing. But I still had not left the house with him alone. I was afraid – what if something happens when we’re out and I don’t have what I need or worse yet – I look like I have no idea what I’m doing as a mom?! My fear kept me stuck in the house and unable to move forward. And then I read somewhere an encouragement to do something I feared as a new mom each day. And suddenly I felt a resolve within me that I would not let fear rule me. I had to name the fear and walk through it. After leaving the house for the first time and realizing that I could survive it (and more importantly, our little one could survive it!), it got easier. I had concrete experience to learn from. What is fear keeping you from doing? What do you need in order to move through that fear and do something for the first time?
Stop comparing.
Being a first time parent is hard. There are so many unknowns, big adjustments, differing opinions on how you should care for your little one, exhaustion, and fear. Every parent is different and every child is different. I found myself looking around me at friends who are on their second, third, fourth child and thinking, “They are handling life so much better and they have more than one child! I can’t even manage {fill in the blank} and I only have one kiddo!” So much shame. And insufficiency. And failure. But my comparing isn’t fair. Those friends of mine have walked through the challenge of adding their first child to their family and they had to do and experience all these things for the first time, too. And they questioned themselves, felt unsure, and were overwhelmed just as I have been. And they learned along the way how to do it. Comparing myself to others in different seasons or places in life discounts their journey to get where they are and the journey I have not yet walked. And experience is one of life’s greatest teachers. When I stopped looking around to compare and gave myself grace to navigate this completely new role with my unique child and my unique strengths and weaknesses, I found so much more joy in the process. Do you find yourself making endless comparisons? Are they fair? What would it look like to acknowledge that you have unique strengths and weaknesses and experience is a great teacher? Would that make a difference in your joy?
Do you need to learn (or apply) any of these life lessons along with me? What are you learning where you are on this journey of life?