Attachment vs Attunement Wounds

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Attachment vs Attunement Wounds

by: Sam Bearer, LPC

Attachment versus attunement wounding is a topic I have done a lot of thinking about recently. I have noticed the intersection of these two kinds of psychological wounds in my own work and in the context of client sessions. When we talked about these in school, I tended to lump them into the same category, but they are quite different. Even though they often come together, they do not always. Taking time to distinguish between the two can be extremely helpful.

An attachment wound occurs in early childhood development.

It is an experienced lack of consistent, appropriate care from a caregiver to a child. This gives rise in the child to several different styles of relating. I am very briefly summarizing my understanding here, but there is much more reading and self-educating you can do on this. If care is inconsistent, a child will display anxious attachment. The child is unsure if care is coming when he/she needs it. If negligent care is given consistently when child’s need is clear, a child displays avoidant attachment. The child attempts to learn to do without a caregiver’s attentions. If care is consistently inappropriate to the child’s needs and level of development, the child will display a disorganized style of attachment. He/she will sometimes display anxious attachment and other times avoidant attachment, depending on the needs expressed and/or the approach the caregiver takes toward the child. These wounds and the subsequent style of relating solidify through early childhood if the caregiving remains unaffected by the child’s initial non-verbal and later verbal signals.

An attunement wound by contrast usually takes place in later life (late childhood, adolescence, and adulthood).

These are characterized by a lack of appropriate response to an individual’s internal experience. A few examples might be

An 11-year-old who does not receive praise for her full effort and achievement on a report card from a parent who is consistently too distracted by work to follow up with the child on how she applied herself in schoolwork
A despairing 25-year-old who, having only received reassurance that his job was safe due to his high performance, is told “downsizing is a real pain” by colleagues and friends, and “you’ll land on your feet…somewhere” two months after being let go
A 60-year-old who feels both grief and disappointment when, a year after her partner’s death, a good friend fails to call or follow up to offer space to talk and validation for these feelings.

When left unrepaired, attunement wounds can lead to serious interpersonal issues and often the dissolution of the relationship in which the wound took place. Over-simplified, the other person’s mis-attuned care for an individual’s emotions was the problem. Some individuals may be totally comfortable leaving it there. They just need to find someone who can read them better. However, it may also be a lack of expressed needs that contributes to the problem. Both may be at fault. Attachment wounds when left unrepaired can lead to profoundly serious psychological issues and brain under-development. This often results in a pattern of broken relationships and additional symptoms of various kinds of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors categorized as disorders by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. These experiences often leave an individual believing that he/she is the problem. However, attunement wounds in relationships are likely to reinforce and deepen the attachment wounds already in an individual’s story. If you find yourself falling into one of these categories, a therapist can help you unpack your own story and begin the healing process.

In summary, understanding and working through the nuances of attachment and attunement wounds in your own story is necessary for better relationships, both with the self and others. It can help you more appropriately respond to the level of need that others display as well as clarify your own level of need for care. This growth in self-awareness, whether you are new to these ideas or an old hand, can lead to greater levels of personal healing and life satisfaction.

Slowing Down: Connecting Emotionally with Myself

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Slowing Down: Connecting Emotionally with Myself

by: Sam Egertson, PLPC Screen Shot 2018-11-15 at 2.18.34 PM

Slowing down to connect emotionally with myself is something I am learning to prioritize. I have been told countless times in my life to, “slow down,” yet I find myself constantly speeding up. Now, part of the reason that I have been told to slow down is a result of my speech, which tends to have a speed limit of its own. However, slowing down takes more effort than I would like to admit. In order to truly slow down, I have to pay attention to myself, and that is not something I enjoy doing.

To pay attention to myself, means to face the uncomfortable emotions that I have felt stirring inside me.

Living in a culture where speed is highly valuable, specifically in getting tasks completed, we tend to put our emotions on the back burner. For example, the other day I left the office and while on my commute home, I found myself getting extremely upset at other drivers on the road. In the moment, I was upset with their incompetent driving skills/lack of awareness, so I reacted in anger.

After a few outbursts of yelling in my car, I thought to myself, “why am I reacting this way?” The reason was not so much about the drivers that surrounded me, but the uncomfortable emotion stirring within – hurt/sorrow. I left the office with hurt feelings, but I did not share it with anyone nor did I give myself the time to process. On the contrary, I took it out on people that I did not know simply by reacting and not slowing down. Once I gave myself the space to slow down, I found myself with more peace, as I was able to face that emotion and give it some room to breathe.

We are worthy of giving ourselves time and space to feel whole, and not another task to be completed. We are not just another cog in the machine. No, we are humans that deserve dignity and love, so let’s practice it for ourselves.

Taking a step further, the more we practice slowing down, the more equipped we become in creating healthy relationships with others.

Redeeming the Look: Retraining the Eyes of Porn Users

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Redeeming the Look: Retraining the Eyes of Porn Users

by: Jonathan Hart, LPC

In the previous blog of this series, “Training In Use: The Pernicious Effect of Sexualization and Pornography”,I explored the reality of objectification and the way that a person’s eyes and mind are trained (particularly by porn) to use another person’s body parts. This blog will look at ways of breaking that habitual pattern.

When a person recognizes the need to stop using porn and to stop using others in his or her mind, many find themselves stuck. They don’t want to do this anymore but feel that they can’t stop looking. It is certainly true that we cannot stop seeing. As I mentioned in that previous blog, sexualization is everywhere. The likelihood that an image specifically designed to activate our gaze and desire will enter our field of view is 100%, whether that image is an ad on a billboard or a person wearing an attractive outfit.

Please note: I am not saying that a person wearing an attractive outfit is “asking” to be used in a sexual way. The reason anyone wears an attractive outfit is to attract attention, that is, to activate gaze and desire on some level. We simply want to look good to others. There is nothing wrong with this in a healthy context. It is the training of porn and commercial objectification that turns healthy attraction into unhealthy sexualized desire and use.

The one who realizes that they need to stop using others sexually has to learn how to stop using people with their eyes and mind. One popular solution that is prevalent at the moment is the idea of averting your gaze. The idea is that when you find yourself looking, you yank your eyes away from the triggering image or body. This is aimed at working against the reflexive look by removing your gaze before you shift into using or objectifying the body.

This is a needful step, much like the alcoholic staying away from bars. However, this cannot be the only step, because there is no way to stop seeing. Ultimately, the work for the ones who use people with their eyes is not to change what is seen, but how it is seen. The work is to learn how not to use.

I call this “Redeeming the Look”.

People who use must learn how to see attractive people without using them in their heart and mind, to see with respect and regard for dignity. Ultimately, the goal is to be able to see a whole person with a story, a life, with dreams and desires, rather than to focus on and use only their body parts.

We have to confront the reality of sexualized use in porn specifically. We have to see it for what it is. The truth is that a significant percentage of people in pornographic images do not want to be there. This is contrary to the illusion presented by pornography. Many have been kidnapped, involuntarily addicted to drugs, and forced to perform for the cameras. If you think about a person in this situation, it changes how one looks at the image. It activates compassion and sorrow rather than lust and use. It changes our willingness to engage in the use.

…Image here…

Many people in porn are there voluntarily. Some are there just to make money. What about them? I ask you to consider what it takes to get a person to set themselves up for public display and use in this fashion? Who told them that their value or power was only in their body, that their parts are the only thing about them that matter? I suggest that this never comes from a healthy, balanced life or self-image.

Again, confronting this reality changes how we see the person. When we consider the whole person, their whole story and life, our willingness to use is reduced and our compassion is activated. (For more on this, I recommend visiting https://fightthenewdrug.org/for a wealth of solid information and awareness about the pervasive effects of porn.)

There is more to challenging and changing the mental and emotional components and behaviors of those trained by porn and commercial sexualization, certainly more than a blog can contain. This is a look at the basic principles that can begin the process. If you are looking for to change, don’t try to do this yourself. It doesn’t work that way. Reach out to a professional who is experienced in treating sexual addiction. Get the help of your family and friends. Community is essential. Change is possible.–JEH

Cultivating Patience

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Cultivating Patience

Since I started working as a counselor after getting my degree, I have realized how little patience I really have.

Cultivating Patience

I spent a lot of time both in classes and in my internship thinking about the problems my client might have and how best to approach them. However, with people outside of the counseling room, I find myself much more prone to aggravation and frustration when things seem to be working less efficiently than I think they should. The other day I was having some issues with the self-checkout machine at a local store. After a few moments, I began inwardly cursing the machine and its creator when an employee came over to help me. Some of my frustration spilled over into my tone in talking to her about that problem. I had intended to convey my pique with the machine, but this lady took it personally. I recognized too late that I might have chosen better words to express myself. She sorted out the issue, and on my walk back to the car, a thought struck me.

It was not the machine that I had been upset with at all. I was upset because the few moments wasted standing in the store were cutting into my time on a Saturday.

It was the lack of progress toward the next thing that was bothering me, and I didn’t even have a “next thing” planned that day. My internal feeling of stagnation triggered a sense of minor outrage that then affected another person’s day. But why is that feeling of stagnation or no forward progress so hard for me? I believe it is because I get a great deal of my sense of self or identity in the things I do or how I do them. When things don’t go smoothly, a little bit of that sense of self is challenged. The lady was simply reflecting back to me what I was feeling, an undermined sense of self or power.

Simply put, I needed more patience to deal with the situation. I needed not just patience with her or the machine, but patience for myself to slow down and do the self-awareness checks I so often encourage my clients to do. It is so important for me to recognize that my agency, identity, or power, or lack thereof, is not defined by those moments when things don’t go right, big or small. Those things are practiced and displayed in those moments. The patience required to handle them better, however, comes from pausing and remembering. Regardless of how I handle this situation in the present moment, I am worthy of the same kind of care I seek to display to my clients.

My impatience in these kinds of moments is likely this lack of self-care in action and keeps me from caring for others in those moments as well. This is why cultivating patience for myself as well as others, is the way not only to becoming a better counselor, but also a better human being.

By: Sam Bearer, PLPC

Opioid Addiction and Community Support

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Opioid Addiction and Community Support

Recently I (Lianne) was asked to be a part of the Mental Health and Wellness Summits created by Missouri Care, A Wellcare Health Plan, Inc.’s Community Impact Council for the Faith-based Community as a panelist. The first Summit was on April 7 at The City of Life Christian Church in St. Louis, MO and it addressed the Opioid Crisis within the Faith-based Community.

Thankfully the Summit was recorded because the information shared is valuable and educational.

During this half, you will learn about why opioids are so addictive and how this epidemic has grown to where it is now. You will also learn about how Mental Health stigma’s are hurting our communities and the people within them.

The second half of the Summit talks about the addictive cycle and then the panelist’s field questions about this issue, care, counseling, and faith.

I hope you take some time to listen to the recordings of the Summit. The information and wisdom shared will prove helpful to those in social work, counselors, parents, teachers, pastors, and other care providers. Teens would also benefit from watching these videos with their parents and could lead to beneficial conversations to help your teen make good choices and bring understanding to them about the seriousness of the opioid problem.

To those with a loved one struggling, there is hope! There are many services available to those who are struggling and for their loved ones. These resources are highlighted in these videos.

There are more Summits coming up over the next few months. Below is a list of Summit topics and dates.

-Saturday, May 12, 2018, The Church and Suicide (Body Shaming, Self-Image, Bullying, Depression)
-Saturday, June 2, 2018, The Church and Trauma: Mental/Behavioral Health and the Homeless Man
-Saturday, July TBD, 2018, The Church and Trauma: Domestic Violence

By: Lianne Johnson, LPC, CTP

New Year’s Resolutions

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With the start of another new year, many of us find ourselves focusing on things we’d like to change in our lives – many of us call these changes New Year’s Resolutions.

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Popular points of focus include health and wellness, career goals, financial management, and planning for the future. These are all very important things to evaluate regularly, and the beginning of a new year seems like a particularly appropriate time for evaluation and reflection. However, we fail to actualize the vast majority of our resolutions, and this failure has a great, negative emotional impact. This isn’t usually because of a lack of planning or resources to achieve our goals.

Rather, it is because we lack awareness of the emotions driving us to make resolutions to change.

One of the clearest examples of this is with the proverbial commitment to eat better and lose weight. Many of us overindulge, stress eat, or “reward ourselves” over the holiday season at the end of the year and then subsequently attempt to restrict our eating to healthier options or simply less volume overall in the new year. We tell ourselves, “Well, I’ve had mine. Now it’s time to be good.” We say we will “eat right” as if we were being bad or wrong previously and really knew it deep down the whole time. This idea carries with it a subtle, or for some not so subtle, emotional sense of failure already. In addition, we may not acknowledge to ourselves the probability that we will eventually fail again, sooner or later. Many of us reach this point and chuck in the towel. The discomfort of making a change or the powerlessness we feel from our failures kills our energy and motivation to try again. In the same way, our career has stalled for circumstances out of our control or our financial burdens may seem too great or confused even to attempt to overcome. All or even one of these things can be enough to leave us feeling isolated and hopeless.

There is not a simple answer or solution to these problems, but a great place to start is by asking what emotion is motivating the resolution or desire to change. It may be based on a negative view of self; for example, someone may feel that less valuable as a person because of dissatisfaction with his or her physical appearance. A negative view of others may also motivate a resolution; for instance, it may stem from a desire to outperform a colleague. Success at these kinds of resolutions will only reinforce the negative view of self or others. It will validate the first negative, emotional experience as true. The person who had a negative view of self may feel more valuable after changing his or her appearance, but that only confirms the feeling that he or she lacked value before. The person who wanted to outperform a colleague may feel even more contemptuous of the colleague after surpassing him or her. On the other hand, failure often drives the negative emotional impact even deeper. We can come away feeling even worse about ourselves or more embittered toward others than when we started.

This year, you might try making a few resolutions intentionally with positive emotional foundations, instead of recriminating ones. The health and wellness resolution has always proven the most difficult for me to keep, but this year I am reframing my resolution. I am going to give myself the opportunity to eat more healthy foods and exercise. I know when I am doing so, I have more energy and feel more positive generally, but I am also giving it as a gift to my family. Now more than ever I need to be present and active in their lives as my daughter begins to crawl and walk. I want to give her as much of my energy as I can. Try writing out your positive motivation on a flash card you post in your kitchen or bathroom. Go back to it as often as you need to.

And if you find yourself struggling to keep it, remind yourself that every new sunrise, and not just the new year, brings a fresh chance to recommit ourselves to living our lives in a way we choose, not only for ourselves but also for those we love.

By Sam Bearer, PLPC

The Healing Power of Tears

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by Melinda Seley, PLPC

Tears have a complicated place in our society. Have you ever had a good cry, and felt (strangely) a little bit better afterwards? Well, there is a scientific reason why that is the case.

In 2010, photographer Rose-Lynn Fisher worked on an amazing photography project called Topography of Tears. In this multi-year long project, she collected and examined more than 100 human tears under a microscope. Among others, she studied tears shed while laughing, grieving, and responding to change, as well as basal tears (those meant to keep the eye lubricated) and reflex tears (those that respond to an irritant in the eye).

Fascinatingly, Fisher found that the appearance of tears is different based on what elicits them; and not only is their appearance different, but the physical composition also varies – most notably, emotional tears contain the neurotransmitter leucine encephalin, a natural painkiller that is released when the body is under stress to help improve one’s mood.

Our physical bodies are so intricately connected to our emotions that a chemical is released to help heal us emotionally when we cry!

So this remarkable discovery makes me wonder – when we view crying as weakness, what are we really doing? Why do we have a tendency in our culture, as well as other cultures, to view crying as something to be squelched, and prohibit our bodies from naturally responding to distress? What kind of healing are we missing out on? It seems that we are rejecting the very thing that can actually physically aid in our healing! If this is you, what does it look like to let those tears flow? What do you need or to believe in order to do that?

{A Smithsonian article describing Fisher’s project in more detail can be found here – I encourage you to read the whole thing!}

Wellness in the New Year

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by Mary Martha Abernathy, LPC

With a new year comes New Year’s resolutions. People use the New Year to take stock of how the past year went and what changes or goals they hope to make for the upcoming year. What does wellness look like for you in 2017?

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) “defines wellness not as the absence of disease, illness, or stress but the presence of purpose in life, active involvement in satisfying work and play, joyful relationships, a healthy body and living environment, and happiness” (Source: www.samhsa.gov).

I like that to pursue wellness does not mean that my life is perfect or easy.

To pursue wellness means I am pursuing a purpose and seeking joy. Wellness means that I am seeking healthy relationships, a healthy body, and a healthy environment. SAMHSA has created eight dimensions of wellness: Emotional, Environmental, Financial, Intellectual, Occupational, Physical, Social, and Spiritual. One of the great things about this Wellness model is that many of the categories overlap with each other.

Even if my work life adds a lot of stress to my day to day functioning I can still pursue my own wellness. That may look like exercising to increase some of the needed endorphins in my body. It may mean I pursue some environmental changes and wellness. I can’t quit my job, but I can create space in my home in which I find peace and rest. It may also mean that I create an environment at my desk where I am reminded of positive relationships and purpose. Wellness may also look like me pursuing relationships with co-workers in an intentional way to make my environment more comfortable.

Some of our life stressors may not change too much over the coming year. We can lose some weight, cut back on the alcohol, go to counseling, or try a new hobby; but will these things balance out the negative experiences? Wellness allows us to hold in tension the stressful and negative parts of life, recognizing we can still find good.

Where can you find the joy and play in your life this year? How can you pursue wholeness and wellness in life?

Reset Safe Connections Through Play Therapy

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by: Isaac Knopp, PLPC

Reset Safe Connections Through Play Therapy

Big Figures, Small Worlds:

A big strong horse was the toy that Nate chose to play with in the sandbox. To anyone else this toy was just a small, plastic animal you might find at pretty much any toy store. But to Nate, who took his toy and plunged it beneath the sand and then looked up at me with wide and terrified eyes, it was more than a horse. Over the course of our time working together Nate was processing the sudden death of his dad. He always chose the horse, because to him, his dad was big and strong just like that horse.

Nate’s play was his way of telling me what he was wrestling with. Our kids have a different way of dealing with stress than we adults do. Play is a child’s way of grappling with the forces of the world and life that they cannot yet grasp. When our children encounter something too big, scary or difficult to grasp it gets incorporated directly into their play. Play is the essential and natural way a child resets their safe connections to others, self, and the world especially after they feel like their safe connections have been lost or threatened.

At times children will be classified as struggling with ADHD or having childhood anxiety, outbursts of anger, difficulty controlling emotions, self-regulating, and defiant behaviors. When in reality these classifications are simply symptoms of the child experiencing frustration in resetting their safe connections.

How do I give my child what he or she needs to succeed? As parents, our first thought is usually education, which is very important. However, often giving children what they need relationally can be a challenge because we feel ill equipped to meet them where they are. Learning how to connect with your child through play can give your child a big boost in self-image and development.

Connect Through Play:

Curiosity: Asking your child to explain what something means to them can be a window into their world.
Acceptance: Learning how to notice behaviors or play that seems bizarre yet may make total sense in their world of trying to reset their connections.
Empathy: Curiosity and acceptance create a platform for you to see the child’s expression of what they are really wresting with.
Trust: Once connections get established you will notice it is much easier for your child to rely on themselves as well as others. It will also be easier for you to trust that your child is doing important developmental work all the time.

In one of my last sessions with Nate, he walked up to the toy shelf to gaze at all the toys. His little hands brushed over that big strong horse, he then moved over to a red firetruck. He said, “I don’t need to play with the horse today”, instead he reached up and took hold of the truck. Although the horse was small it was big in Nate’s world. Through play, Nate was able to successful reestablish his safe connections.

“The Art of Distraction”

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“The Art of Distraction”

by: Jason Pogue, PLPC

My wife and I are soon expecting our first child. We are excited and terrified all at once, and this spurs us on to read and talk with those who have gone through it all before. Though much of what we are practicing are techniques for ‘letting go’ and letting her body do what it was made to do, some of the techniques are purely in the realm of distraction. When the pain is so great, how can you or your partner distract you from it? These techniques for childbirth aren’t much different than the “techniques” we all pick up over time in a pain-filled world. I am reminded of this statement I’ve heard from a number of different wiser and older friends and mentors:

“No human being can fully bear the weight of reality.”

Even though I agree with this statement I can often feel as though I should be able to fully bear the weight of it all…that to set the pain and sorrow aside for a moment is actually being inauthentic or callous toward others or myself. When this feeling of should is not actually coming from others, I can still shame myself for spending an hour in distraction with television, or avoiding what I think I need to be doing in that moment. But is distraction always a problem?

The truth is that reality is a mix of both beauty and brokenness – both joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain. Yet often we can find the sorrow and pain winning out…snuffing out our joy. It only takes a few minutes of reading the news to be overwhelmed by the amount of violence, death, corruption, hatred, deception, and malice in the world around us. If we were to remove every bit of distraction from our lives and force our eyes open upon the unending wounds of the world, we would be swallowed up by grief. Though it is a painfully important exercise to wrestle with the big questions of life, to constantly live in this place would be simply unbearable.

The question is not whether distraction is good or bad, but what kind of distraction(s) are we involved in and how flexible are they? Taking some alone time to listen to music is a far more healthy a distraction than drinking until you black out. A good distraction, or coping-mechanism can assist you to bear through an excessively painful or overwhelming moment until you are in a safe enough place to process what has occurred.

More than just assessing the kind of distractions we engage in, a healthy arsenal of coping mechanisms assesses how flexible our distractions are – after all, you probably can’t go into a room and listen to music for an hour when you have a presentation to give at work or when your little boy is crying because he is hungry again! Consider one healthy coping mechanism of sharing what your internal experience is with someone else – this can be hugely beneficial in calming our bodies down and feeling known, but it would be entirely destructive to engage in with an abusive listener waiting to use our vulnerability against us. Sometimes the ways we’ve been wounded erode our ability to assess one person from another, and instead of engaging in the appropriate coping mechanism we simply choose one way of relating to everyone.

The problem is not distraction, or coping mechanisms – these can be a gift at times to get us through unbearable moments. The problem is when a particular distraction or coping mechanism becomes our only answer to the pain, is destructive to our lives, or continuously takes the place of ever actually returning to the pain and sorrow that resides within us and in our world.

So how are you doing with the art of distraction? If you aren’t able to cope, or are seeing destructive, rigid, or unending distraction taking over your life I invite you to give us a call to meet with a counselor, grow these skills, and process the emotional turmoil beneath it all. You have the ability to not only survive the grief of this world, but to work through it so that you can take joy in your day-to-day life. Why not start using it today?